The result of overpromising a product or service and under delivering in regards to business, is a disappointment. Deliver more than what is promised by exceeding the expectations. Sounds simple right? One of our core values here at Salesby5 is exactly that, “Deliver more that what is promised.”
Let’s apply this to dating. Men, it’s okay if you are not perfect; nobody is perfect. So when you talk yourself up to a women with hopes of winning a date, you have a greater chance of un-selling yourself. When one accomplishes great things in life, like having a successful job that they love, the car or house of their dreams, or simply having been blessed with a remarkable physique, it is something to be very proud of. However, the time will come when that topic of conversation will come up, so please don’t show up and throw up all over us ladies when you first meet us. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. If this is a natural tendency of yours, focus extra hard on what she is saying, ask her questions, and listen carefully. This will help distract you from wanting to talk all about yourself.
Happy Tuesday! Last week I premiered my “To-Don’t List” and discussed the first item, don’t interrupt. Item #2, don’t assume, is just as important. It’s very easy to make this mistake at the office and in dating. “Always deal with fact. Never assume” is at the very top of Salesby5’s Core Values. On our July 1st blog post, You Are Responsible for Your Own Orgasm, we emphasized that one of the top ways to de-motivate others in the work place is by assuming! Also when selling a product/service, don’t assume that people care. Hope they do, but ask questions!
Don’t Assume…
i. …a woman you think is a 10 also rates herself as a 10. I’ve found that men often don’t approach women because they think she is a 10 and they rate themselves as a 4 or 5. Gentlemen, this is not the case; let the lady decide for herself! She may be nervous and think you are a 10, go up to her and kindly introduce yourself. Get a feel for her personality and see if she is someone you care know better. Yes this is a risk, and it may not go perfectly, but you’ll never catch a fish if you don’t make a cast.
ii. …she cares about money or material items. Ask her questions, and more importantly listen to her answers. Don’t be thinking of a response instead of listening to what she is actually saying; learn as much as possible about who she really is. This helps prevent you from un-selling yourself by overselling and shows your sincerity in getting to know her, rather than just “closing-the-deal.” This sounds so simple, but men talking all about themselves, their money, and material goods, happens all too often, and it’s a commodity. Having an overt benefit and being different from other guys is free; it doesn’t require money or a flashy car.
iii. …her hobbies are your hobbies. Ask questions and find out what her interests are before assuming that she likes the same things as you. For some reason I get approached by men that feel the need to talk about their “fast sports car,” when in fact I am fascinated by driving big trucks and heavy machinery like backhoes, tractors, and bulldozers.
In previous posts, we mention that most successful entrepreneurs know that they have to market, but many don’t know where to start or how to cut through the clutter on their “to-do” lists. With many messages in your head in a day from “I need to pay the mortgage” to “finish the Powerpoint,” we have too much clutter. Jim Collins talks about the importance of a stop-doing list in “Good to Great.” He stated that one of the commonalities of the companies who were able to propel themselves from being just good to being great is that they all looked at what they were currently doing that they needed to stop doing. People subconsciously will remember what not to do because the list doesn’t compare to the clutter of the overwhelming amount of “to-do’s” they are trying to remember. In dating, the same applies. Today I will discuss my #1 on my “To-Don’t” List of six things NOT to do in dating.
“TO-DON’T” #1: Interrupt
Men, having permission before the you approach a woman for the first time will help prevent you from un-selling yourself right off the bat. You will know to not interrupt by the use/observation of non-verbal communication.
Examples:
I. Don’t interrupt: If you see her at restaurant having dinner or drinks with another man. This is just rude. NO EXCEPTIONS.
II. Don’t interrupt: If she is avoiding any kind of eye contact with you. There’s a difference from her not seeing you and her completely avoiding making eye-contact with you. This means you are not invited to come introduce yourself to her. This may be that she has tunnel vision on her BlackBerry. She doesn’t want to be bothered and is not interested in mingling at that time. She may be trying to put out a fire at work by sending a very important email to her boss or customer (this happening at an inconvenient time is inevitable) or she may just be anxiously catching up on her unread Viigo posts. Approaching during this time will make her feel annoyed and obligated to talk to you. Obligation this early on is not a good sign.
On the contrary: She’s sitting at the bar in a restaurant unaccompanied by a gentleman, and she’s casually looking around scanning the crowds. If you are interested in her, and you aren’t in the vicinity of her “scan-zone,” nonchalantly relocate so that you are. Not too close. I recommend sitting slightly off center, across the bar giving her easy access to make eye contact. Don’t stare! Once she does, if she continues to make eye-contact with you knowing you are still there, you are getting warmer. Now once the eye contact continues and she acknowledges you with a smile and nod, after about a minute or so, walk over to her and make your introduction. “Hi, I’m _____ would you mind if I joined you for a few minutes? It’s okay to say yes.” Keep in mind: the few minutes may turn out being much longer, depending on the chemistry between you two.
Body language and non-verbal communication is listening, but with your eyes. 93 percent of communication effectiveness is determined by nonverbal cues. Read her body language and listen.
Check back on Tuesday’s for Kya’s dating and sales tips.
Today I had the pleasure of speaking to the wonderful audience of ESPN’s Paul Alexander on his segment called, “Bringin’ It.”
Whether in business or finding the right person to date, you are either selling or un-selling yourself. Men everywhere are missing scarcity, exclusivity, an overt benefit and dramatic difference in their pitch to date women. Many men become something they are not when around a female they are attracted to. Instead of being real, they will put on a fake front.
These are some of the most common attempts by men I meet:
1. “How do I get a girl like you?” This shows insecurity. Everyone has some level of insecurity, but never assume that a girl is out of your league. Ask questions, listen, and let the conversation flow. You may find that you two may have mutual chemistry after all. If you find that you do not, you can walk away feeling confident that you were real, polite, and a gentleman. You will have impressed her by doing just that. If you run into her a second time, I can almost guarantee you that she will approach you to say hello first.
2. “I make lots of money and have a boat, want to go on a date?” This may be true, however, instead of talking about yourself, try asking her real questions about what you really want to know (her name, etc), which shows interest in her, while not un-selling yourself. Here’s a suggestion: once the conversation gets going, nonchalantly find out if going to the lake is an interest of hers first. If it is, then at the end of the conversation, invite her (don’t be pushy) to join you on a boat ride sometime soon. This shows her that you listened when she spoke. Leave her with something to think about. Many men make it about them with talk of money, fame, cars, or bragging elements versus making it about the female. The ability to persuade someone to care starts with real questions that stimulates dramatic difference. The difference is about the other person and getting them to want to talk while you listen.
The sales data show that for over 20 years the #1 failure in not getting the sale is talking too much or showing up and throwing up. The latest data says that not listening now prevails. These are all same things that impact dating. Listening that I like tomatoes and asking for extra, or that I do not like tonic but prefer club soda. It matters because you listened.
Don’t be who you want to be, or who you think they want you to be, just be your REAL self! Do you have questions or comments? Please send me a message via the comments section. You can also reach me via kya AT salesby5 DOT com
